How to Reach Road Trip Nirvana

Recently, I experienced a road trip so beautiful, so relaxing, so toot-free that its memory brings with it a solitary tear not unlike the tear I experience when the gas pump stops at exactly $25.00 er...wait... Biden's president now...$65.00.

I'm not exaggerating. This 18 hour roundtrip road trip was flawless. I would do it again any day of the week, with pleasure. I believe I have reached road trip nirvana and, after careful analysis, have discovered 3 things road trip nirvana requires:

3 Rules for a Killer Road Trip

1. Leave the kids at home.

Listen, I know it seems fun to bring your kids with you to visit grandma and grandpa or enjoy Disneyland, but I promise you that road trips are much more fun without them. Picture yourself pulling into a gas station, using the restroom, buying enough caffeine and chocolate to raise the dead (or at least enough to revive a person who just sat through Emily Blunt's new movie, Wild Mountain Thyme), and returning to your car to consume your hoard without one whisper of, "Mom! I want some!" or, "Mom! Why can't I have a 2 liter of Cherry Pepsi, too?" from the back seat.

2. Don't bring the kids with you.

Bringing your kids with you seems like a great idea when your aim is to bond as a family and make lasting memories, but don't discount the memories your kids will make hanging out with just dad for a few days. Get this--- dads don't realize moms burned out on playing long ago. When you're my age, you don't even feel guilty about it anymore. I tell my kids, "find something to do that does not involve me, matches, or paint or I'll teach you how to determine whether something's been left in the fridge too long." Dads, though, they think the fridge is self-cleaning like the oven, which will leave them plenty of time to play Barbies, soccer, and make-believe with the kids. Dad will then be exhausted having experienced a fraction of your daily to-dos and will worship you for your supernal homemaking skills.

3. Separate yourself from your offspring.

I get it. You are wondering if it would be selfish to take some time for yourself by yourself. I am telling you that leaving your sweet children behind for a brief road trip is simply the right thing to do. After all, some excellent self-help audiobooks might throw in an "F" bomb that you'll find yourself scrambling to mute before realizing that you don't hear any shocked and amused little voices coming from the backseat saying, "Mommy, does this mean we can't go to heaven now?" because you left their little innocent ears at home.

I am telling you, following these 3 simple rules will transform your road trips. If road trip nirvana is what you seek, these rules will undoubtedly help you reach both your physical and spiritual destination in record time with minimal emotional, literal, and under eye baggage.